I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
