Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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