loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
