a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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