Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
