If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize