sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
