Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
