i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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