Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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