Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
