i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
