god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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