I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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