then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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