Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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