Can i not drive my cunt home
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
