I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
