The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
