life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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