If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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