I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
