so that wasnt chicken after all
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
bring money and cleavage
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
