You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
