I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize