I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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