Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
