He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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