I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
