Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
