i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
