How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
