I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
