In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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