Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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