so explain again why im purple
no
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
