I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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