cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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