I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
