Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
