The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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