WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dignity is for republicans.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
