I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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