I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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