My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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