rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
