Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
