Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
