between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
