I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
