Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
