you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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