Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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