he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is wine microwaveable?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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