tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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