she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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