Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize