The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what day is it and did you see me today?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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