If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
