I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
