I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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