She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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