Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
