remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
