just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
