Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
