Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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